I told Bug I was happy she was posting here often; because I check this site daily and when I see anyone has posted- it makes me really happy and encourages me. I've been struggling a lot- but I am going to try to start posting more here too... as it says in Survivors of Incest Anonymous- if one of us can do it- so can anyone else. Or something like that, lol. Anyway- hi everyone. I love you all. :) xo Jenny
TAKING BACK EVERYTHING
Reclaiming our bodies and identities through the empowering art of self portrait photography.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
may 17th 2013
'I' apologize profusely to the air
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I say
chanting it over and over and over
as I wash the dishes my legs begin to shake
knees buckle
I am curled in a ball of sobs now
unable to function, dry heaving
and I do not know the trauma
that has caused this
the pain is unbearable
Thursday, May 16, 2013
may 16 2013
"The number pi is a mathematical constant that is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter" π is really special to me because circles are special to me. To me a circle is like a symbol of balance and completeness. Lately when life starts to become so overwhelming that I don't know what to do. I write the digits of π on the body that I am in. Cover the epidermis in a symbol of balance.
There are times when it seems that there is not enough soap in the world to wash off all of the things done to the epidermis and then there is a marker and there is π and with the numbers 3.1415... comes a little hint of peace.
I used to cut and I had stopped before becoming a mother. A few times since becoming a mother I did cut but it did not help and my older brother used to cut in front of me. The thought of my children seeing cuts on me made me feel sick. I do still at times of extreme stress hurt myself but not in any way that leaves a visible mark. Not in a way my children will see. Lately I have found that writing these numbers down can help me more and is healthier and better for me.
π has become my friend.
May 16 2013
I have been drawing a lot. I keep thinking about the saying "fake it till you make it" and I keep feeling like I have been faking it for a really long time and I don't know how much longer I can fake it. I keep going though. I have been drawing a lot and it is helping. My son took the photos I am posting today. He has been drawing with me.
Part of it is stress from moving. The never ending task of unpacking box after box and I get so overwhelmed so easily and if I try and push myself to keep unpacking beyond my limits I end up curled in a ball unable to function apologizing profusely to the air.
Chanting "I'm sorry" over and over again. I know this is my being a swarm and that one of my swarm is doing it. I don't know how to find her or how to help her and she is me. I just want to be able to do basic every day things in life that other people can do and do them without ending up curled in a ball crying and frightened.
I just want to be able to wash the dishes, unpack boxes, drive a car or just even study for a drivers permit. I am so exhausted and I have been working for so long to be able to do these things and I still can't do them. I have been in therapy for 14 years and I still can't wash the dishes without turning into a mess.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
may 15 2013
When I was in my late teens my step father used to warn me to not trust or talk to therapists. He said that they would cause me to have false memory syndrome. I find this somewhat terrifying.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
5/13/13
This is sort of a funny story. Many years ago I walked into my bedroom and discovered a strange man in my bed.I was understandably freaked out. I asked the man who he was. He being somewhat confused as to why I was acting so strange and frightened informed me that he was my husband. After taking a moment to look at him a bit more and realize that he was indeed my husband I asked him when he shaved his beard off. He reminded me of the previous day when I had been talking to him and watching him shave his beard off.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
May 12 2013
I spent the first 8 months of my existence inside the uterus of a women who I will not think of or refer to as my 'mother' because she did not ever mother me. At the end of those 8 months a doctor accidentally ruptured the placenta and I came out into the world and into an incubator.
I am a mother though. I do love being a mother.
I have been thinking a lot about what a mother is. A mother is someone who nurtures and loves and protects.
I always have this feeling that I am not 'good enough' I was not 'good enough' and I know that this is a child's way of making sense of things that don't make sense and that this is a way to blame myself because the truth is so confusing and makes no sense and really what it comes down to is that it really feels like nothing is real and like I am not real and this not realness it is a form of dissociation but that doesn't sem real either and today does not seem real
And this is how I learned to cope
So I will go and do what helps
I will draw.
I am a mother though. I do love being a mother.
I have been thinking a lot about what a mother is. A mother is someone who nurtures and loves and protects.
I always have this feeling that I am not 'good enough' I was not 'good enough' and I know that this is a child's way of making sense of things that don't make sense and that this is a way to blame myself because the truth is so confusing and makes no sense and really what it comes down to is that it really feels like nothing is real and like I am not real and this not realness it is a form of dissociation but that doesn't sem real either and today does not seem real
And this is how I learned to cope
So I will go and do what helps
I will draw.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
5 7 13
I read this, this morning it helped.
I was feeling it. Pure sadness — the inescapability of it plowing through the softest part of me. When you’re in that kind of painful place you’ll try to climb the walls to get away from it. You want it over with.
“Love your sadness. It won’t last long.” A friend texted me late at night. I caught it just as I was turning off my bedroom light.
Love my sadness?
Love my sadness.
Sadness, I love you.
Let me give you a kiss, instead of my fist.
You’re heavy, but you’re so honest.
I should give you more credit. More space.
I’ll be grateful when you leave —
but I know I’ll be grateful that you came.
A metaphor: You know when you catch a cold, and part of you is just a bit grateful for it? The cold itself sucks. But it gives you a reprieve, an excuse to stop, curl up, wind down — it demands a compassionate response.
And if you’re smart, you milk it. Take the day off, order in, watch the entire “Breaking Bad” series on Netflix, sleep… a lot. And while you’re sleeping off your fever, you get the sense that you’re burning off months of built up stuff — and sorting out some internal things. You get better, you put fresh sheets on the bed, and you’ve got a new attitude.
Same thing with sadness.
Sadness gives you the chance to be still with the most tender place of your being.
Sadness is an opportunity to deeply appreciate your losses and your longings.
Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires.
Appreciation is fuel for change.
Love gives your sadness the energy it needs to move through you… so it can move on.
By loving your sadness, you’re respecting your truth.
And freedom always follows truth.
By Danielle LaPorte
Thank you <3
Monday, May 6, 2013
5 7 13
I don't want childhood rape to keep me from blogging on here. But it is I wish I had a different word for it, I hate writing it and saying it.
I feel my life is good and am thankful for it. At the same time this photo of me is shitty, ugly, shame fucking shame, those two damn words above are horrible. I hate the words childhood rape or whatever else I wish I could call it. Sometimes I do think of sucide more than I would like to admit, and I know it always PTSD and triggers.
I hate acknowledging it at all and i also know that even a little bit is helping. Part of me, she needs me to speak , she always has. I need to too... I know
I feel my life is good and am thankful for it. At the same time this photo of me is shitty, ugly, shame fucking shame, those two damn words above are horrible. I hate the words childhood rape or whatever else I wish I could call it. Sometimes I do think of sucide more than I would like to admit, and I know it always PTSD and triggers.
I hate acknowledging it at all and i also know that even a little bit is helping. Part of me, she needs me to speak , she always has. I need to too... I know
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
3rd of April 2013
I will never stop speaking the truth regardless of what my "mother" does and I am not dwelling on the past or staying stuck in anything. Speaking the truth is a good thing to do. It helps me and I hope it helps others as well.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
22nd of April
Apparently some of my family has been googling me. I deleted a lot of my internet presence but I won't remove myself from here. This is too important to me. Speaking out and not keeping my past a secret is too important. I won't be ashamed of what they did.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
16th of April 2013
My house is full of boxes. I am tired. I have started therapy with a new therapist. Many changes in my life. I went to the beach this morning and it was beautiful. I am spending a lot of time thinking about what it means to be vulnerable and thinking about the dance that happens in the beginning with a new therapist. The dance where I share a little tiny bit of myself and then wait to see if something bad happens and then when nothing bad happens a bit more gets shared. Eventually I will get hurt or at least that has how it has always been. My last therapist did not have very good boundaries which is why I decided to stop working with her. It got so it felt like I was paying her money so she could hurt me and I kept trying to figure it out and work it out with her and fix it but nothing was changing and she didn't understand and she didn't get that it was at least in part her actions and her poor boundaries that where causing a lot of the problems. It is really scary to try and start over and I wonder if I should just give up on therapy. I wonder if maybe I am too broken, too damaged, to messed up. This new therapist is very different from any I ever worked with though and I have finally found a therapist with a lot of experience helping people with really sever childhood abuse histories. He seems like he has good boundaries and like he is able to share enough about himself so that I know he is real. I once had a therapist who's idea of good boundaries was to never say anything about herself at all and I didn't want to know much what I wanted to know was "do you like animals" and "what is your favorite color" but she didn't trust me enough to answer either question. This therapist understands that trust goes both ways that in order for me to trust him he has to trust me and he believes that his clients know themselves the best. That therapist that wouldn't ever answer any question laughed in my face when I told her I knew myself better than she did. She also told me I was crazy. Starting over is intensely frightening. I know how vulnerable I am and how easily a therapist can hurt me and I also know it won't work if I don't take chances and try and trust him. I see him tomorrow afternoon. I am really quiet a bit freaked out. Also in my photo it looks a bit like I am wearing a bindI on my forehead but it is actually just where I had a pimple and my skin is still a bit red :)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
April 14 2013
Yes a bathroom photo again and the same clothes from yesterday .... shhhh ;)))
This can be harder than it appears, I haven't looked at myself today, no need to. And just now I got up, took the photo and looked at myself. I didn't really want to.
I do think and feel that this blog is helping me more than I really am aware of. It is an act of vulnerability and an act of self kindness. That's hard. A moment for yourself to look at yourself as you are. In a moment, a snap shot on this specific day.
And it's o.k.
<3
Saturday, April 13, 2013
April 13 2013
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| This one was taken tonight. |
I am getting back into the swing of things, life, my life again. Slowly. I am just starting to feel o.k. again and I think my doctor has figured out what was wrong with my health. I am hopeful. I am also hopeful that I will post again tomorrow and write more :)))
I Love you all xoxoxox
Friday, April 12, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
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