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I'm still here :) 

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(The most obvious things are sometimes very difficult to see.)

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I am almost done cleaning and organizing my studio!!! Yippee and I did some drawing today double yippee!!!

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I've been making stars.

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This shirt has dinosaurs on it and I got it when I was in Minnesota and I will have it with me when I am there this Christmas.  :-)  

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  Worth ~ Quality that commands esteem or respect; merit.

Fall is hard, really hard for me emotionally.  It is every year with out fail, I don't know why and maybe I do know why I am just not ready for the why.  It always feels like there is an answer to the why, a big deep aching answer.  I've gotten to the point through the years to not diminish or discredit my feelings I have them for a reason. I have been doing a lot of work seeing that I have worth, learning to stay more in the present, asking myself what is this really about, being honest with myself.  Because of all of this I am more resilient too I see that about myself today.

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25.

Shadow

31~ Yoga Sunday

I'm slowly pulling myself out of my doldrums. Looking forward to yoga tonight. This pose is called Half Moon Balance or Ardha Chandrasana(are-dah chan-DRAHS-anna) in Sanskrit.

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I have a cold & I am kind of sad this morning. But.... I also have a lot of wonderful people who love me, plans for Christmas, two great cats, a studio, an apartment and a wonderful life with too many great things to list.

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I spent the day outside in the sun, hoping the brightness would shine some light into the dark parts of my heart. I still feel bad about myself, and I wish that I could just crawl out of my skin. My body feels heavy and uncomfortable. I want to get away from all of these feelings and thoughts that are weighing me down. I smiled in this picture. I can still smile.

24.

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The back and forth of needing to make work constantly about the wound.  And the wanting to make work about anything but the wound.  What role does creativity have in the act of healing? A profound one. Why is there a back and forth at all?

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I feel like I am aware more and more of the split inside myself, it feels like it is widening.  There is a gap of awareness. There is so much goodness in the present but accepting the past feels horrible.  I am feeling so much pain because I am allowing there to be a gap. What I don't know that I do know is unsafe and there needs to be space for that.  I feel like there is so much to let go of with self blame and a false sense of control I have had about the past.  The self blame and false sense of control are automatic and have seeped into every part of my life and how I live my life. I am noticing my feelings with my automatic reactions of self blame quicker, usually after the reaction though but occasionally now before or during.  I want to recognize the emotions and calm myself before I have have the reactions. Keep going.  

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I went to the grocery store, got a haircut, cleaned my apartment, am on my way to see Christopher, then going to the studio. xo

Hiding

 I haven't posted here this week, and for that, I'm sorry. I love seeing all of your beautiful faces and pictures you all take. I'm not feeling so great about myself right now, and when I get like this, I can't look at myself in the mirror, let alone take a photograph of myself. I know that it has everything to do with how I feel inside, and not about my appearance. I'm going to post some pics this weekend, and try to work through what is going on in my head. I need to let this blog help me, and I need to stop hiding from myself. I love you all!

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My bed was full of hearts!!

I am having a hard time posting pictures of myself.  I'll get back in the swing of things, soon, I hope.

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I am so grateful we are doing this together.  I love you all.

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I might be getting a cold. And I am kind of sad. This AM I am having coffee and reading the SIA slogan, 'Keep the goal in mind'. I love you all. Jenny

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Sicky McSickerson ~ I had a photo of me blowing my nose but I didn't think anyone would really appreciate that :)

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22.

touch up and fresh highlights. Always helps a girl feel better.

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21.

I feel like I'm disappearing.

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This is my shirt belongs to my sister.  I wear it because I miss her.  A lot.

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(she asked how long it would hurt like this & I said that)

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Today  ~  The very thing that I want to judge others about is one of the very things I want to change about myself.

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Learning to not disappear ~ What I had to do to survive, I did survive I can let go of my coping mechanisms.