Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
263
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| Heather :) a gift from Lori |
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| A friend has been inspiring me to bake bread ... it's meditative. |
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Aquamarine - Encourages optimism, enables creative expression of ideas, helps you find inspiration. Citrine- Creates a sense of personal power. Sunstone- Encourages artistic skills and expression, promotes positive self-image, helps you stand up for who you are. Ruby- Increases self-esteem. Pearl- Inspires creative powers, helps balance emotions and attract love. Believe- To encourage you to believe in yourself and your artist within. Butterfly- Transformation. Flower - For " blossoming into your true self."
I've been wearing it everyday :)
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
45 a big Grin
I was holding my phone and I realized I was smiling. That i had a huge happy smile on my face. I took a photo so I would remember. I had just gone outside to see all the rain and my dog had run outside and she loves to run she ran with so much joy. she looked more like a sighthound than like a labradoodle. I took this photo because this is a real smile and so many photos taken of me growing up show fake forced smiles. My family would tell me I HAD to smile and I hate all of those photos. When I look at them I see sadness and fear. This smile was a real one.
42,43,44,
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| I got a brand new PINK pen! |
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| I went to take a picture of something else and saw this and took it |
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| me today before i got all triggered. I can be calm like I was when I took this. |
Saturday, March 24, 2012
259
When Jenny and I first started this project I posted a photo of my stomach with the sentence" stress management is not my forte" written on it. I don't believe that now, I have been changing that false belief and I am still working on changing it.
My therapist and I together are working on me feeling and knowing my body is mine, always was. Abuse was done to my physical body but that is were it ends my body is not a body of shame or wrong, the abuses were horribly wrong. My body reacted like a normal human body does my body is not to blame. Working on this slowly. In my meditation and mindfulness class I am learning that it is safe to be in the present moment with my body and listening to my body. I am not just a head walking around ugh. I would rather be a just a head but the reality is I am not. I can have the courage to keep going and healing.
I told my therapist the safest and most connected time I felt with my body was when I was pregnant with both of my son's. Gynecological appointments are a nightmare to me but the obstetrician appointments were a whole mixture of feelings, yes fear at times, excitement, anticipation, love and more. When I became pregnant with my oldest son something internally changed profoundly with me, with my second son even more changes took place. I am remembering, reflecting, journaling these times in my life, how good and safe I felt about my body and the growth that came about in my life from pregnancy. It's a start and an anchor to keep going.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
82
Some days it is so hard to take a picture of myself. I was always taught not to be vain, not to even gaze at myself in the mirror with appreciation of who I am. My mother taught me to be ashamed of my body and face because she hated herself so much. She would point out every flaw in herself, and then tell me how much I looked like her. It was a painful message, and one that I hold deep inside of me. Tears are welling and the emotion of those hurtful words grip my heart. I brush off compliments, apologizing for myself. Before the boys raped me, they told me what a pretty little girl I was, and that brought on the shame and blame for what I looked like. Being pretty got you raped. I was so little, and so I feel small and worthless. It is strange that being pretty and perfectly groomed is so important to me, and I don't understand why. I think it is maybe because I think I was to blame for the rape, and that I deserved it. Letting go of this belief is what keeps me stuck in the past, and keeps me from healing. I'm going to a workshop on forgiveness in a couple of weeks. I need to forgive myself, to forgive the child in me, and to finally grow up.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
255 Discovery of New Territory Within Me That's Been a Long Time Coming.
The need that wasn't met in my childhood that has traveled with me through out my life that has shaped, mangled and almost completely destroyed me at times. The need to be seen, known, encouraged, protected and loved for who I am.
The saying when one door closes or multiple doors close others will open, at this age in my life I have had enough experience to know and trust that is true. Angela and I both blogged separately yesterday, we ended posted our writings within minutes apart . Our writings were so similar, it gave me good shivers:) I told her I think God, the universe, whatever is validating us. Believing mirrors = goodness. We also got Jenny's t-shirts yesterday Hello!
The discovery of new territory within me that has been coming for along time in my life is this a simple belief, the most important opinion of myself is my own. I am repeating it to myself and grounding myself with it.
Also for all the overwhelming pain, heartbreak and indescribable loss from going through abuse, I can say that being honest about my life, who I am, and what I have been through, while it has been and is at times really scary, I wouldn't want to live my life any other way.
I am who I am.
255 (Nary have I been so determined.)
Also... I love seeing the photos of you guys on here in the t-shirts I sent you. :-) I love it!! :-)
90. 91.
WARNING.....chubby girl in striped pants! :p they are my jammie bottoms.
Jenny, Thank You So Much!! I love you girls.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
254 HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, March 16, 2012
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