90

73

72

85, 86, 87, 88, 89

296

I read somewhere recently ~ No one is the expert of you, you are the expert of you.  It was good to read that, I'm grounding myself with it.

71

nose to nose with Zeb

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294

70

I had a really difficult day with some very nice happy moments tossed in.

287

291 -293 I think?

She is a Bantam Chicken ...so cute!

One of the therapists that leads the mindfulness and meditation group brought one of her chickens with her.  I got to hold a chicken tonight in an office :) 

And I have been gardening and working on our landscaping for days now.  The last three or four summers I went through some really difficult experiences.  I confronted by letter the person who abused me in my childhood, my mother in law took her own life, and my husband and I went through a separation.  I didn't get as much gardening in as I had years before, I was completely emotionally overwhelmed.

But last summer I met some wonderful women and then I met the rest of you... more wonderful women.  This spring is starting off much better.  And I feel like I am getting back to something I lost for awhile, one of my passion's.  I also think there must be a sort of high gardeners get, even though I feel like my arms are going to fall off because I am so sore, I just can't stop. 

I should have had a before photo but this is one part of our front yard, this morning it was a mess of dandelions.  And today I weeded, transplanted plants, laid down the brick and mulched.  I've also got our three vegetable beds cleared and one seeded.  And we are making two more raised veggie beds and getting a truck load of compost this weekend.  I'm excited! Yahoo!  

And Toni you look absolutely adorable in your helmet I wish I could go biking with you. Love you ladies!!!!!! 

100!!! 101.

after my scare and having the EKG, I have decided I need to get healthy. I managed 6 miles tonight. It's nothing com paired to Jenny.....but I feel good! I saw this heart shaped puddle.

I've posted a lot of me in this bike helmet. Heather said I was cute in it....so I am doing it for her! ....actually it's just what I have been doing a lot of. I am hoping the exercise helps with the anxiety and I can avoid medication.

69

290

 

I tried something new last night and my partner in crime is someone you all know.  My partner decide at the end of our excursion there was a metaphor in this shared experience for us. And I quote "We don't need to dig in trash because We are not trash!"

My friend did get a Chuck Norris poster and I got a apron that I can use while painting. 

But I think garage saling is more our cup of tea, you just don't stink afterwards.  It still was a fun night though :)))

287,288,289

286

I was trying to figure out what number we are supposed to be on.. so I used this little online calculator.  And according that this and the day that we started... today should be photo 290?? Hm.  LOL... SOMETIMES PEOPLE WITH DID HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH A CORRECT SENSE OF TIME.  ;-)  Whatever!!  We're here, we're healing, WE ARE AMAZING.  :-)  xoxoxo Jenny

68

We went hiking today and it was really good.

99.

12 miles along the river with Hunter again.  It was a good day.

285

Today has been a harder day.  I did buy a plane ticket to the midwest though... that was the best part of my day.  :-)  I am excited to see you Heather and Eve.  I wish everyone else could be there too. xoxoxo

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 I went to the farmers market this morning and now I have the rest of day to work on clean/ organize my studio, needs it bad.  Hi creative block I need to change.  Also some gardening and some drawing ...Swarm I've been working on our drawings together <3 Yay to a creative block that is changing!

 Ummm not to sure what number we are supposed to be on Jenny( i miss you)  ... I think I did two photos of the same number a a little bit ago whoops! Oh well :)))
Love you all xoxoxxo

67

Today after therapy I felt better than I have in a while and I was feeling pretty good when I took this photo. Later I got very triggered and now I am a mess and I really wish I could never need to sleep again.

97. 98.

 Riding bikes with my son at the Boise River

I have not been doing well.  I had to leave work early one day this week.  Ended up having to get an EKG because I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest.  It was an anxiety attack.  Later that night I hit my love when I was triggered by a movement she made.  I have never hit anybody before.  It was horrible.  Therapy helped....but right now I feel like there is this huge dam and all I am doing is running around plugging the holes with my fingers.  I feel very lost and out of control to my PTSD. 25 days of school.  I am looking forward to the summer and time for healing.

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Yesterday wasn't a good day again, in fact it was pretty bad.  But I had therapy today and I am finally validating myself that the days I do have a memory coming back it is retraumatizing to me.  I am working on telling myself that it is the present, it is 2012 and other healthy coping skills.  But my brain is not there yet, it is going to be hard for me the next day.  I can take care of myself and know what I am all going through now in 2012 and not beat myself up for not being 100 percent after the memories and flashbacks happen. I did beat myself up mentally a lot yesterday but I am learning.  Today is better.

283, 284

66

In the forest where I walk zeb

85,86,87

More hat pics, just because I'm a hat girl :-)

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I get lost but not permanently. xo

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