My therapist is leaving on the 1rst and returning on the 18th. I saw her today and will see her again on the 22th. We drew on blank peg dolls. She made a doll of her for me to hold onto and I made her a doll of me and the rest of me for her to take with her while she is traveling. It is still scary. The dolls help some though. She is ok with me sharing a photo of the doll she made.The doll of me has lots of me's and a forest and our inner world.
I ended up adopting two cats. :) They both came from the same house , the person who was their owner was a animal hoarder, I think they said there were seventy cats living in one house. Yikes!
One of the cats, the kitten on the left Frida( I renamed her) can see just out of one eye. And the male, the black one has limited vision he can only see shadows. I few names of painters picked out for him but my kids get to make the final decision on his name. I suppose ...:) They are both timid and were really scared at the store. I wasn't sure about how they would do once we got home but they both have been letting me pet them and hold them so I think we are off to a good start.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through,
how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm
is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the
storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this
storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami I love this quote so much, I haven't read anything by Haruki Murakami
yet... but I sure want too.
I don't feel like posting a photo of myself, but this baby Robin just left the safety of it's nest from under our deck tonight. I felt much better tonight posting of photo of a baby bird :)
Today has been better. One of my sons and I got eye exams today and we both will have new glasses soon. It was fun to go with him, he knew what glasses he wanted and he helped me pick out mine. Then we went to a local pet store where they have cats for adoption from a local shelter. I saw a baby one right away that I felt drawn too that can only see out of one eye and was also very timid. I filled out the adoption paper work so maybe?... hopefully. I just planted white pumpkins seeds and annuals where my cat Herbie is buried in our backyard and I still miss him but I am ready to have a new cat/companion in my life .
I am also posting this drawing I did awhile ago in a sketchbook. I drew it from a photograph its me, my sister and a friend of mine who I have been friends with since I was four. The photo of us was taken on Easter day 1984. I and my friend were ten and my sister was eight, it holds a great deal of meaning to me. Another reminder to myself.
It was one of my son's birthdays today. It finally occurred to me why I have been struggling so much the past couple of days. I know the holidays are going to be hard but I didn't think that other days like birthdays or anniversaries would hurt so much because I don't have a relationship with my parents anymore. All sorts of pain rose to the surface, I also had more body memories. Today I have really wished what I have been through wasn't true in my life.
Part of me also was very angry with myself for writing what I did yesterday, part of me wanted to punish and physically harm myself today. I am more clearer about this part of myself and how I am repeating cycles of emotional abuse that I went through towards myself. Now that I have the freedom in my life to express how I feel this part of me still wants me to shut up, punish myself before I say too much or I did say too much and something really bad is going to happen.
While this has been a hard day, it's also one I am extraordinarily grateful for because it is my youngest son's birthday. My two sons amaze me all the time. I am so proud of who they are and who they are becoming. My husband and I are both separately and together committed to facing who we are as parents, we both are constantly in a state of learning as parents. We want to do things differently and know we need to face ourselves and our pasts honestly to do this. We also have needed and continue to get help. It is hard but I love that we are doing this.
I have even taken some photos here and there with the intention of posting them.
I have been very busy and very tired. My daughter has not been sleeping well and that has me in a very tired place but besides normal life stuff my therapist is going out of the country for a few weeks. She leaves on the 1rst. I am having a really difficult time with this. I normally have a difficult time but this year it is much worse.
I will try and post a photo soon but I may not post much until she returns and she has told me many times when she returns but my brain won't hold onto that information so I can't say right now when that will be.
Until very recently I thought my older brother who sexually abused me as a little girl hated me. That thought, that feeling has been hurting me and stuck inside of me most of my life. I believed he abused me because it was my fault somehow and also he hated me... that's why he abused me.
The week that Jenny was visiting she asked me if I had any good memories with my brother, I wasn't very happy with that question ( she knows:)). I had been asked that same question before and I would say no, my brother was highly manipulative he always had an agenda, no... there were no good memories. Jenny said she had read somewhere how confusing and painful it is for a child to be abused in their home by someone they are close to, because how could someone who is supposed to love you hurt you repeatedly so profoundly . What a colossal mind fuck.
I started remembering the good memories when Jenny asked me, we were in my car. I dissociated, I wanted to climb into the back seat of my car and hide, I totally and completely broke down in a Dairy Queen parking lot. Jenny sat with me, my pain, held my hand and understood.
I was my brothers buddy as a little girl, I looked up to him, he is six years older than me. He let me sit and watch him fix his cars, he introduced me to rock and roll. He gave me music, he gave me a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts tape, a tape of the band The Suburbs and one of Depeche Mode. He talked to me too, paid attention to me, which is hard for me to remember. He talked to me like I was one of his high school buddies, fucking molesting locker room talk. Women/girls were just objects and whores. Not only did he talk to me about his distorted, awful views about females and sexuality, he did things to me too. I internalized quite young that I was a little girl whore. It was confusing no one talked to me about sex, my sex education was from my brother and school. There was Stockholm syndrome, I adored my brother and I hated myself. I was angry at my brother but I must deserve this. I couldn't say no to him, I wasn't taught how to say no.
I realized something through all of this finally, it wasn't that my brother hated me it was that he projected and abused me with his own anger and pain. Somewhere inside of him he hated himself, no matter how much he had to bury it and still has to keep on burying it to face the next day. It wasn't about me, he could have had a totally different sister and he would have abused her too.
I also realized it safe for me now in 2012 to say I did love my brother as a little girl because he was my older brother and because of I was and there was nothing abnormal about that.
" I remember things in retinal flashes. Without order. Your life doesn't happen in any kind of order. Events don't have cause and effect relationships the way you wish they did. It's all a series of fragments and repetitions and pattern formations. Language and water have this in common." Lidia Yuknavitch
I got Lidia Yuknavitch's memoir The Chronology of Water from Jenny in the mail yesterday. I stayed up very late reading it, trying to go bed and getting back up in the night to journal all my emotions that were spilling out. I'm looking forward to another late night of reading and the spilling of my emotions to myself. Thank you Jenny <3
Last night I attended a group two of my friends hosted called Bitchology. It was a gathering of women were each of us took turns and talked openly, honestly about what we are facing and struggling with in our lives. And then we united together, encouraged, validated and related to each others experience. And we also gave each other feedback, and other perspectives with compassion and empathy. My friend last night said this is truly a sacred circle. It was such a amazing night a mixture of vulnerability and empowerment for each one of us. It was a gift. :) This is what was read last night. BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me..
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I
truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
"I wanted to take a moment, to thank all of you for your courage and strength. Your efforts have inspired me to start my own "photo project" a few weeks ago. Now that I've been trying to overcome some of my own issues with self-worth and love, by doing the daily portraits, I admire all of you even more. It has been difficult and frightening, but the women here have been a source of strength and will to continue. Thank you for blessing my life and gifting me with the courage to grow. Many blessings to all of you and may you find peace and comfort in your journeys."
I'm selling some of my work tomorrow with some friends at a local art fair, it should be a lot of fun and who knows maybe I will sell something? I have plenty of work to sell, show and share :))) This is my easel behind me I think I'm ready for a new one, a sturdier one I think that's a good sign of me wanting to get back to painting.
I painted The Witnesses on this t-shirt awhile ago. Many times I feel like I have witnesses living inside of me who are telling me things that I can't know now because it's too painful but I did know in the past because I lived through what the witnesses are telling me. I am telling myself my life, my experiences in life that I can never change- which is the history of my life, my feelings then and now. I am learning and wanting to value myself and the witnesses, all of them, all of me. I am learning, wanting and practicing listening to myself , all of myself.
I am sad. I feel hurt. I am angry. It is very difficult to have all of the feelings I am feeling because I am used to not feeling very much at all. I am going to take deep breaths and sit with my feelings and know it is good to feel- even when it hurts.