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 Last week or weekend one night I read an article about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how it is being defined in the new Diagnostic Statistical Manuel and I had memories of my childhood and my brother come back.  Also memories of the other abusers came back, the aggression and arrogance of theirs and my confusion and powerlessness.  I was really busy so I didn't have time to process the memories and all that I felt.

This afternoon I finished a drawing about a hour before I had to meet my friends for our Artist Way group.  And I dissociated it came flooding back I felt really scared, helpless, young and wanted to hurt myself, I made it to Barnes and Noble and when I was walking in I had that feeling like I was watching myself.  I was trying so hard to keep it together.  When I sat down with my friends, they knew I wasn't o.k. and asked me.  We all are very close and we know what each of us are struggling with and healing in our lives.  They know a lot about my dissociation.  I started crying and shaking in the Starbucks in Barnes and Nobel. They both gave me a long hard hug so I would feel my body and theirs and told me I am a person, I am safe and I am loved.  They also told me they would protect me.  My one friend told she was like a firefly to protect me and my other told me she was like Xena the Warrior Princess.  :))) I am still smiling about this, they are really, truly wonderful. My one friend said maybe why  all of this was happening before I met them that evening was because I knew I would be safe with them and I could really let my friends know how I was feeling and get the the encouragement I needed. I felt a lot better and felt in the present moment again. We were all able to share, talk, encourage each and we read from the book.  

Tonight I have been taking it easy I've been listening to Frank Sinatra, I get a kick out of Frank :) and my boys have been busy showing me funny youtube videos.  It's 2012 and that is a good.

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Drawing :)

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It's been a busy day.  For some reason starting in the evening many evenings I get triggered so much easier, I don't know why.  Maybe my brain is tired.  It really bothers me and I would like more evenings to be able to relax. 

I think this many photos of me today is hard I am realizing, I am triggered and feeling bad, ashamed.  I'm not sure why or what it is really about.  My therapist and I were talking how the brain can associate things with certain emotions.  Like when a puppy slides across a kitchen floor and then won't want to walk on the kitchen floor again.  Because the puppy is afraid.  I know I have associations with things that I feel shame about that probably are not really things I need or should feel ashamed about but it gets exhausting to figure and sort out.

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5

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5, 6, 7, 8, 9

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One of the biggest factors in wanting to isolate in the past for me was judgment from others, especially of the different abusive experiences I have been through in my life.  Or the judgment of me because I have PTSD or Dissociation.  Just typing it makes me angry and it makes me really angry when others are judged because of similar reasons that I have been. 

One of the reasons I don't isolate anymore like I used to is because I have a family and friends who are supportive and empathic. I have learned that authentic, compassionate relationships are important to me and I am grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life.  Give and receive... receive and give.

When I am judged now, it still makes me angry and hurt. But I also know now who I am and what I have been through and how far I have come. I know all those things about me the person judging me doesn't.  And the judgments just don't stick like they used too.

I read this quote on a friends facebook page from Walt Whitman " Re- examine all you have been told ... Dismiss what insults your Soul."

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2,3

Creating art, reading listening to music all helps.  And plants too.

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I am making a choice, one that is about my family of origin and saying no.  I have to do what I feel is best and healthiest for me, my husband and sons.  That is my family now, along with my friends.  I am and have been feeling a lot of grief and trying to let myself work through it in a way that is self compassionate and healing it is hard but I am trying.  Not giving up, there is no manual for this.

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I finally made it to 100!

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Three Sixty Five Yay!

still more to get caught up with ha :)

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Messy curls today.

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I'm sorry that I haven't been here in so long. All of your pictures are so artistic and creative that sometimes I feel like I don't measure up or deserve to be here. Anyway...I will try harder :) I love you all!

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My computer is back from being repaired, I can get caught up now yay! <3

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4

trying to keep the reflection out of my glasses from the computer screen.

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curls

still trying to wrap my mind around the whole bipolar thing.

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Today my daughter turned 1. Last year on this day I gave birth to her in my home before my midwife arrived. She was born in a birthing tub. I am very glad I had a planned homebirth because I doubt I would have made it to the hospital in time or worse I would have been induced the earlier that week because she came a while after the estimated due date. She arrived when she was ready and when she was ready she came in a hurry. I wanted her to have the gentlest entry into the world I could give her int he most loving way I could give to her and she got that. She was born into water and within a few minutes she was nursing. Her birth was not gentle for me it was in some ways it was pretty traumatic for me. I had to have stitches after and I was very dissociative and felt very young and on some level I thought I was in trouble. I am really glad I was able to give my daughter a gentle entrance into the world and since birth she has loved water and always has been extremely relaxed and at home in water and I really think that is related to how she was born. She had a really good first birthday.

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I was diagnosed this week with bipolar 2 disorder.  I cried, a lot.  But I also have relief...I have answers and can move forward.  My pastor's wife told me it was a 'sin issue'....I haven't prayed enough.  So needles to say, I am done with 'the church'  

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I have hope right now and hope is good.

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I am wearing 3-D glasses over my own glasses. :))) We went to the movie Brave last night and we all enjoyed it.

And I took a bunch of fire work photos. 

And I want to keep going another year, I feel like this has helped me grow so much this last year and this blog we have is a bright spot all the time to me. Sometimes when I see all of your photos and when things are really hard I just sit, sometimes I hug myself and feel your energy through your photos and words. 

Also I have feelings, thoughts about self portraiture, whether through photography, painting, or drawing.  I could use the words transformative, awaking, describe of knowing of myself , my whole self, the healing of self through art.  Knowing my humanness and expanding my knowing of or consciousnesses about humanity and other people.

But really I just want to just keep the art going with you all <3!

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I got the flu at art camp. It was awful. I'm getting better but still feel rather crappy. It's good Bat is here.

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I haven't been posting lately because of my computer... it's a slow one.  But my replacement one is coming :)

Today I cried in my car on the way to my artist way group.  It has been so busy lately, I think so much emotion has been building it overwhelmed me.  A few good things, slowly I am starting to separate my emotions about things in present and when I feel emotions from the past.  It doesn't negate the feelings in the present at all but it can get overwhelming quick because feelings of self blame and shame come in and it is hard to sort out. Thankfully I was able to talk to my friends at in my artist way group and feel grounded again.  We have a sacred group, we all four of us can be vulnerable and are growing. I am realizing how much this group means to me and my friends in it mean to me.   Afterwards I got in my car and started crying again.  I had a feeling to go to a certain gas station and when I went inside there was someone I am just starting to know and be friends with.  I didn't tell her how I was feeling but I gave her three hugs while she was paying the clerk. :) Which makes me laugh now but it did feel good, and again it grounded me. We never know how other people or ourselves can make a difference in our day or other peoples day.

Frida! <3

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I am trying to find the courage to make art that is about pain so that the pain doesn't have to stay stuck inside and art about anger so that anger does not have to stay stuck within me. I had some really really bad days. Immense depression. Emotional pain was so intense. I thought about going to er and asking to be hospitalized. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and I knew I was not going to act on them but I was in so much pain and it was so intense and I thought maybe if I was hospitalized they would sedate me and then I would at least be more numb to it all. I didn't go. I did talk to my therapist about it. I did cry a lot. I am doing a bit better now. My mothers words her verbal abuse has been echoing in my mind a lot lately. I am not so depressed now but I am immensely sad and exhausted.